no one: (Mew) @ Choice Scarf  
Ability: Regenerator  
Shiny: Yes  
EVs: 252 HP / 132 Def / 28 SpA / 96 Spe  
Timid Nature  
- U-turn  
- Defog  
- Will-O-Wisp  
- Psychic  

literally nobody: (Ferrothorn) @ Leftovers  
Ability: Flash Fire  
Shiny: Yes  
EVs: 252 HP / 40 Atk / 8 Def / 208 SpD  
Sassy Nature  
IVs: 0 Spe  
- Curse  
- Gyro Ball  
- Knock Off  
- Leech Seed  

no really, (Clefable) @ Pecha Berry  
Ability: Magic Bounce  
EVs: 252 HP / 104 Def / 72 SpD / 80 Spe  
Bold Nature  
IVs: 0 Atk  
- Soft-Boiled  
- Trick  
- Moonblast  
- Heal Bell  

truly nobody: (Silvally-Electric) @ Assault Vest  
Ability: Regenerator  
Shiny: Yes  
EVs: 252 HP / 24 Def / 232 SpD  
Sassy Nature  
IVs: 0 Spe  
- U-turn  
- Thunderbolt  
- Ice Beam  
- Grass Pledge  

rozes: (Golisopod) @ Choice Band  
Ability: Tinted Lens  
EVs: 72 HP / 252 Atk / 184 Spe  
Adamant Nature  
- Leech Life  
- First Impression  
- Liquidation  
- Spikes  

esoteric song name (Cobalion) @ Life Orb  
Ability: Magic Guard  
Shiny: Yes  
EVs: 4 Atk / 252 SpA / 252 Spe  
Naive Nature  
- Stealth Rock  
- Volt Switch  
- Sacred Sword  
- Steel Beam